A Cup of Chatter with Greg

Ni Hao Greg!

Zao Chang Hao!

I need to apologize, I did not realize that Manheim Steamroller had a China based production. Is there a huge following for that type of music in the Orient?

Every day is Christmas day in China. They welcomed us with open bayonets.

What are, generally speaking, your travel plans from China to Fort Morgan and back? How long will it take you to get from Beijing to Fort Morgan?

Well, I’m headed to Munich for a practice round (Oktoberfest) and to get my liver prepped for duels with the Chaplain, then it's off to Chicago for a little inspirational prep from Coach Ditka over a few Italian sausages. I then head to Atlanta for a reunion with my sticks then off to the Fort.

Do you get to play much golf in Beijing? If so, how does the overall game compare to what we’re accustomed to in the States? Are the courses different?

Well, honestly, no, I don’t get to play much here. I am able to keep my game strong with visits to my spiritual coach, the Dalai Lama himself. Big hitter the Lama. When I do get to play, its great – for about $10 bucks above your greenie you get a female, migrant worker caddy who is willing to shag balls – pun intended.

You go for the Auburn Tigers. You know, Skiba used to have a “Hold on Bear, I’m Coming!” t-shirt that he wore to school every Friday. Have you always been a fan of Auburn?

I hear he only wore that shirt to show off his biceps – its sleevelss, right?

No, I haven’t always been an Auburn fan, but I have always thought the Bear was a punk.

On to more serious stuff, what were your impressions of the Fake Kiva Cup?

The Fake was a real life changer for me - beer, birdies and babes (I love alliteration) - those Czech waitresses at Tacky Jacks are smoking hot.

How do you anticipate the TRUE Kiva Cup to differ from the FAKE?

Well, apart from not being able to work Dalton silly and causing irreparable tension among the ranks of the Euros? I expect to drink more Negro Model – does that count?

Team USA, and despite not having a full roster at the time of this interview, I use that term in the strongest sense possible, has gone through – and continues to go through – a major off-season overhaul. Any thoughts on being one of the “new guys”?

I am to Team USA as Tiger’s new ligament is to his knee. What? He missed the cut at the Open??? Oops.

This may be an unfair question, but you’ve followed the events on the Kiva Cup Web Log (a/k/a, “blog”, “blogspot”, “cup site”, what have you), what are your thoughts on the events this summer, specifically the turnover in Team USA?

I understand how tough it can be to live up to the leadership’s expectations. I only hope that I can live up to these expectations by putting on a club-throwing event unlike anything that has been seen ( save for Captain Jims – he’s a legend).

Junior members have to share a room. Are you okay with that?

Is masturbating in this room illegal or just frowned upon???

And you just got upgraded to a private room.

What did you think of the golf course at Kiva Dunes?

In all seriousness, it’s the reason I’m returning – has nothing to do with the comraderie and the competition. Well, that and to experience the stellar on-course beer service provided by the lovely staff. Best on course beer girls in Fort Morgan!!! (kidding)

The monkey squirrels that roam the course are majestic. OHH! Bring a camera and take pictures of them like a true tourist. There’s also a nice parking lot, if you want to be like Wang from “Caddy Shack”.

The monkey squirrel is a Chinese delacy – stirfry over noodles…will change your life.

In addition to golf that may be some of the best you’ve ever seen, or may not even resemble “golf” at all, what do you look forward to over the extended weekend at Kiva?

Having Burnett accept the bet where the loser of our match (him) must play the final round of the Cup wearing a hot pink thong – not sure if I want to win that bet or not.

Do you go for The Beach Club or for Tacky Jack’s 2 (a/k/a, The Deuce)?

I live in China – I’ll eat just about anything cooked in the United States.

Would you mind translating the following from English to Chinese?

Cankles – 肿胀的脚踝–Pang Jiao Huai (Pong Gee-ow h-why)

Fore – 看他妈的了 - Xiao Xing (She-ow Sheeng)

Hack – 你吮吸高尔夫 - Xun

Scrub oak – Hasn’t been invented yet in China

Sand bagger – 毫无价值的骗子 Pian Zi (Pee-on Zeh)

10 & 8 – 你撞倒的他妈的了 Shi Hayo Ba (Shuh Hi-o Bah)

Any thing else you’d like to say?

I’d like to rethink that bet with Burnett – I really don’t think anyone wins in that situation.

感谢你的发言时间。 我期待着会议你在沙丘基瓦。
(Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I look forward to meeting you at Kiva Dunes.)

谢谢你，再见

有一个安全之旅。
(Have a safe journey.)